Iggeres HaRamban
The actual
mussar of the Iggeres HaRamban opens with the Ramban’s admonishment to his
son that he should accustom himself (yourself) to speak gently to all people
at all times.
Rabbi Moshe
Hauer tells us that there is no deep meaning here that we have to ferret out
because the Ramban’s words are to be taken literally, as in all words,
(whatever comes out of your mouth), to all people (even those below
you), and at all times (whenever and wherever you are). And he adds that this general principle to
always speak gently may be the most important rule in the entire Iggeres.
The what
of this we understand, but what of the why?
Koheles teaches
us that the words of the wise are heard when they are gentle. And as Rabbi Hauer puts it, locks don’t work
by force and neither do the words of the wise. The chacham anticipates certain
situations and makes his words heard when things are calm, before a crisis hits
the fan. In addition, the chacham
deliberates in calmness so that everything will be focused.
Clarity comes
with confidence and confidence comes with calmness. Rabbi Hauer lets us know that the more we’re
able to bring a certain calmness to a situation before it becomes stressful the
better we will be able to ride out the storm.
And the only sure way to bring that certain calmness into whatever it is
that’s going on is to talk the talk as per the Ramban’s dictum.
Many people hear
good things. Some hear it on a constant
basis and others even hear it over the course of many years, but it has little
if any impact on their lives because they don’t internalize it. And the reason that they don’t internalize the
mussar that they have heard is because from the outset they never set their
mind to be mekabel (to accept).
Unlike mere
listening which is passive, being mekabel is an active response that requires a
person to fully engage himself in order to acquire that which he is being
taught.
Rabbi Yisroel
Brog tells us that in order to effectively be mekabel the thought that the Ramban
is trying to convey with the words accustom yourself, a mentch has to
take on a new minhag.
Taking on a
minhag in the context of accustom yourself to speak gently means making
up your mind to speak in a certain way all of the time. You can’t change your speech depending on who
you’re talking to.
It has to be
something immutable.
You have to
speak all of your words gently without exception, meaning that you speak the
same way to your wife as you do to your chavrusa, as you do to your children,
as you do to your employees, as you do to the cleaning lady, as you do to the
cab drivers in Yerushalayim, and as you do to the illegal Mexicans who cut your
lawn.
In order to accustom
yourself to speak gently to all people at all times you’ll have to accustom
yourself to be the
new you to all people
at all times because the old you
simply won’t cut it.
